Sometimes i forget my mental disabiliy is like, disabling. i think its mostly because i have created a perfect saftey cacoon of "not having to talk to people" in my life and i feel like it has made this brief glimpse back into my friend's lives so so nerve wreaking. because anxeity is normal, i know everyone has it and people do things when they're worried in spite of it all the time. i've been very very lucky that i don't have to deal with it on a day-to-day basis because i have intentionly avoided anything that can even make me slightly worried. but today i had the biggest panic meltdown i have ever felt in recent memory and i think i'm still upset?
because everything is just wrong, everything i do is wrong, everything is my fault and if nothing fixes itself then it just over. if i had to simplify the feeling i think it would be like that. i cant handle it when things aren't perfect, even the simplest things like being invited out without proper planning is the thing that got me to this point. i thought if i just "go in scared" then i'll be able to handle it, like making a phone call or something, but something in my brain decided this was actually incredibly high stakes and if i don't go prepared then i will fuck up and die on the spot.
the worst part i think is that i know its stupid to get so worked up? i'm watching this idiot like a 3rd person camera man getting all worked up over nothing and i can't do anything about it. those aren't my limbs anymore, those aren't my words or my actions or my body, i am just a ghost who is trying to grab myself by the shoulders and get a grip but its like yelling at a wall. and like, im getting upset because im wearing boring clothes? my comfy work clothes will make me stand out like a sore thumb to this cool people event and im really freaking out about turning it down? like its such a fricking lame thing to get so upset over. no one fucking cares, i KNOW they don't fricking care, but i can not drown out that hyper panicked voice in the back of my head that says it will be life ending if i so much as consider going to an event underdressed
i want to be positive about the whole thing, i don't want to be here at home writing an upset diary entry over how much im suffering in silence over something stupid while all my friends go party without me. but i feel like if i did go, i wouldn't have anyone i could cling onto for support that wouldn't have thier attentioned divided. maybe in another world i went and it was awesome and nothing went wrong, but i dont think